Whoa this is angsty

[LadyMagic]

I don't know, guys. I typed this up because I'm feeling horrible, and I had to get it out somewhere.

~~~

I’ve spent the last three or four years of my life constantly thinking about my body and all that goes along with it. I don’t mean in some sort of honorable, self-empowerment way… I’m talking obsession. I declined each and every invitation to go out with my friends and do regular things high school kids do because I feared it would prevent me from being about to work out to exhaustion or make me break the strict rules I had about what food I consumed. School mornings were spent thinking about lunch, and afternoons were spent planning my second workout of the day that I would complete once I got home. Then, homework… a bit of dinner… thinking about how hungry I am…finally, sleep. Attempting to sleep, I should say. Weekends were all about packing in as much exercise as I could. I’m not saying this to brag, because clearly these behaviors are absolutely nothing to brag about.

It’s just sad, really. During these crucial developmental years, I should have been trying out new things, developing a strong sense of self… figuring out who I really am. I didn’t do that. I don’t know who I am now. I’m still quite young, but I’m not even sure what kinds of things I like. If you asked me what my hobbies are, I would say exercising. Reading health and fitness articles. Typing in my calories on a calculator that should have been used for schoolwork. Those aren’t my hobbies—they’re just all that I know now. I hate those things. If you asked me what I spent the majority of my time doing, I would say looking at old pictures of me and crying because I would give nearly anything to look like that again. If you asked me what I like about myself, or something that I’m good at, I would say nothing.

Nothing.

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m good at anything, I haven’t an inkling of knowledge about what I could possibly offer this world. My thoughts, in a nutshell, are as follows: Food. Body. Weight loss. Exercise. Calories. Fat. Carbs. Protein. Food. Food. Food. Fat. Failure. I walk to class with whispers in my head. She’s prettier. Her legs are half the size of yours. You don’t belong here. Stop making that face, idiot.

When did my life amount to this? Everything was fine until I turned sixteen. I was a pretty angsty junior high kid, but who isn’t? I went through the crazy heavy eyeliner phase, but who doesn’t? This isn’t what I wanted for myself. I look at pictures of myself as a kid, and I feel so guilty. I let her down so, so much. This isn't a life I would want for anyone. My friends have deserted me because I have too many problems. I go to therapy. I try. I don’t want to feel this way. Our minds have so much power, but how do you catch your negative thoughts when they’re more automatic than an inhale of air? I don’t know, but I wish I did.

Stop walking like that, you look huge—No, you’re beautiful. You’re fine—You’re so much bigger than every other girl here, why did you let yourself get to this?—No, you’re healthier now… you’re healthy. You’re good. You’re fine—Healthy isn’t as good as skinny. You’re not pretty, you’re just disgusting now.

The bad guy overpowers the good guy in the dark battlefield of my mind every time. It’s not even like there’s anything else I could possibly use to combat how ugly and huge I feel. I don’t like my personality, I don’t really have many talents or gifts. I just don’t know who I am. Do I like art? Maybe, I don’t know. Do I enjoy playing the piano? I used to, before this madness. Do I enjoy writing? I’m not even sure about that anymore. I don’t know anything about myself. Who am I?

I don’t know who I am right now. I’m nineteen years old. I have time-- I’ll get there. I’ll find myself, and I’ll love the person I find.

 

[†_Beast_†]

I’ll say a few things after reading~

Hmmm …

Let’s make a food reference here then..…how do you make a cake??..Well, a cake is made from the inside out, is it not? Like a person. Think about what that really means for a moment and how it applies to life itself. No matter what anyone says, you cannot substitute the physical self for a strong inner self and worth. True strength comes from the soul, who you are inside that skin of yours. The maculate self is the undoing of all things. All people make mistakes as they transverse their own existence; what is important is that you learn from those mistakes instead of repeating those that are harmful to the self (you).

Think about this, if there was no aberration in this world, then how could a being define what’s beautiful to the eyes or what isn’t? (Such as your “she has better legs” thought reference here) Therefore, aberration becomes the “norm”. Does it not? The outside world is full of this, only the man or woman who becomes alluring inside, can conquer the outside. The only “work” you should do on the outside should be because you enjoy it, exercising should be fun and certainly not the only thing you think about to be consumed and overwhelmed by. If you feed your mind and inner self first, everything else will fall into place like clockwork. If you’re doing it to please someone else because you think society or a significant other demands it, then you’ll never be happy inside or out. If “friends” desert you instead of helping you due to personal issues, then they weren’t really your friends in the first place. No matter how difficult that may be to grasp dependent on the person, a true friend must earn respect and give adulation or words of encouragement when appropriate. I will also say, there is an entirely different level you could go to where you do not need any person to be completely self-sufficient and truly happy as well but that’s an entirely different conversation that I don’t need to touch on; this is mainly due to the fact that most people are hard-wired to think they need reliance from others. Call it, needing “building blocks” to accomplish this, if that future ever came to that pass.

If it helps, write the line you spoke somewhere that you’ll see every day. Whereas it’s your room – your car etc. –“I have time-- I’ll get there. I’ll find myself, and I’ll love the person I find”

H-e double hockey sticks, if it helps…keep writing or try working out to music to stay positive in mind (if you have fun doing it). I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I let people tell me “that’s impossible or you cannot do that” – I let it feed the inner rage for positive results. If you feel that “bad dude” winning constantly, turn it on its head.

A simple “won’t back down”

Spoiler

Attitude for example works I think but what works for one may be harder for another, so try finding things that feed on any negative rage and turn that it into a positive, healthy rage to say “nothing can conquer me, I fear nothing.” That little bad dude or whatever you’re feeling inside your mind, can do nothing then. It holds no power over your inner self. You've heard me say once before, and I'll say again - you control your own will, your own decisions and destiny and it all starts inside. As a reference to earlier to think about again, what is a cake then if it is just what appears on the outside? A puddle of icing and frosting?...

I think you see my point. Good luck and stay positive, you will find your way.

 

[LadyMagic]

I’ll say a few things after reading~

Hmmm …

Let’s make a food reference here then..…how do you make a cake??..Well, a cake is made from the inside out, is it not? Like a person. Think about what that really means for a moment and how it applies to life itself. No matter what anyone says, you cannot substitute the physical self for a strong inner self and worth. True strength comes from the soul, who you are inside that skin of yours. The maculate self is the undoing of all things. All people make mistakes as they transverse their own existence; what is important is that you learn from those mistakes instead of repeating those that are harmful to the self (you).

Think about this, if there was no aberration in this world, then how could a being define what’s beautiful to the eyes or what isn’t? (Such as your “she has better legs” thought reference here) Therefore, aberration becomes the “norm”. Does it not? The outside world is full of this, only the man or woman who becomes alluring inside, can conquer the outside. The only “work” you should do on the outside should be because you enjoy it, exercising should be fun and certainly not the only thing you think about to be consumed and overwhelmed by. If you feed your mind and inner self first, everything else will fall into place like clockwork. If you’re doing it to please someone else because you think society or a significant other demands it, then you’ll never be happy inside or out. If “friends” desert you instead of helping you due to personal issues, then they weren’t really your friends in the first place. No matter how difficult that may be to grasp dependent on the person, a true friend must earn respect and give adulation or words of encouragement when appropriate. I will also say, there is an entirely different level you could go to where you do not need any person to be completely self-sufficient and truly happy as well but that’s an entirely different conversation that I don’t need to touch on; this is mainly due to the fact that most people are hard-wired to think they need reliance from others. Call it, needing “building blocks” to accomplish this, if that future ever came to that pass.

If it helps, write the line you spoke somewhere that you’ll see every day. Whereas it’s your room – your car etc. –“I have time-- I’ll get there. I’ll find myself, and I’ll love the person I find”

H-e double hockey sticks, if it helps…keep writing or try working out to music to stay positive in mind (if you have fun doing it). I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I let people tell me “that’s impossible or you cannot do that” – I let it feed the inner rage for positive results. If you feel that “bad dude” winning constantly, turn it on its head.

A simple “won’t back down”

Spoiler

Attitude for example works I think but what works for one may be harder for another, so try finding things that feed on any negative rage and turn that it into a positive, healthy rage to say “nothing can conquer me, I fear nothing.” That little bad dude or whatever you’re feeling inside your mind, can do nothing then. It holds no power over your inner self. You've heard me say once before, and I'll say again - you control your own will, your own decisions and destiny and it all starts inside. As a reference to earlier to think about again, what is a cake then if it is just what appears on the outside? A puddle of icing and frosting?...

I think you see my point. Good luck and stay positive, you will find your way.

Your comments are so insightful and incredibly helpful. I appreciate them so much--thank you for all of your great feedback/advice.

 

[Littlebelle]

I really feel for you. Some times a chemical imbalance can cause havoc on your self esteem and also your self image. Hang in there. I really empathize with your struggle. You are climbing a very large mountain. Celebrate any step you take forward. On those days when you stumble surround yourself with lots of love. You are important, you are special just the way you are. It is a very scary path you are on right now. I do understand it is not an easy fix. I have had friends deal with this very issue. Research new techniques that may help on your path. I just saw a TV show on this issue that is using electrodes that help with the brain chemistry it is a new therapy. It is truly saving lives just not physically but letting these people finally be able to think of other things. PM me if you would like me to find it for you. Who are you? Someone worth fighting for. Someone who is priceless. Someone who does not walk this path alone. Hugs. Remember the story of beauty and the beast. True beauty lies within Outward beauty fades but the beauty in you can become even more beautiful as the years go on.

Try and help others that are struggling. Sometimes taking the focus off yourself even for a short time is a good respite. Find an area you care about. Volunteering at a animal shelter, or helping the homeless, special Olympics etc. I found when I had my darkest days and did not think I could go on much longer I had to keep trying because that person needed me.

 

[LadyMagic]

I really feel for you. Some times a chemical imbalance can cause havoc on your self esteem and also your self image. Hang in there. I really empathize with your struggle. You are climbing a very large mountain. Celebrate any step you take forward. On those days when you stumble surround yourself with lots of love. You are important, you are special just the way you are. It is a very scary path you are on right now. I do understand it is not an easy fix. I have had friends deal with this very issue. Research new techniques that may help on your path. I just saw a TV show on this issue that is using electrodes that help with the brain chemistry it is a new therapy. It is truly saving lives just not physically but letting these people finally be able to think of other things. PM me if you would like me to find it for you. Who are you? Someone worth fighting for. Someone who is priceless. Someone who does not walk this path alone. Hugs. Remember the story of beauty and the beast. True beauty lies within Outward beauty fades but the beauty in you can become even more beautiful as the years go on.

Try and help others that are struggling. Sometimes taking the focus off yourself even for a short time is a good respite. Find an area you care about. Volunteering at a animal shelter, or helping the homeless, special Olympics etc. I found when I had my darkest days and did not think I could go on much longer I had to keep trying because that person needed me.

Thank you so much. You are one of the sweetest people, and that was so helpful and comforting. I appreciate all that you said so, so much. <3 thank you for the advice as well!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[†_Beast_†]

Your comments are so insightful and incredibly helpful. I appreciate them so much--thank you for all of your great feedback/advice.

You’re welcome. Remember not to worry about time either; life is at the beginning, any trivial things that you may feel now, will not hold any significance later in the overall design and scheme of things.

 

[Atlantis]

If I could go back to the girl I was in high school, there was a lot of things I would have told myself. In my case, I was so boy obsessed and self-conscious I forgot to discover who I was and what made me, me. But you have to learn to forgive yourself for your past. If we aren't forgiving of ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to be?

I promise as you continue to age, it will get better and your self esteem will slowly rise with time. Just don't look back on those years as some sort of loss. TRUST me, all the funnest times I've had were after I got out of high school. Not to mention all the boys I've met are so much better and like me exactly as I am. You are an adult now, the world is your apple. Explore and figure out who you are, you've still got 81 years to do so.

 

[Cheeky]

I've struggled with disordered eating since since I was 12. When I was 16 my family found out and I started therapy and partial groups. 4 years later and I'm still in therapy, and I'm still dealing with disordered eating and the thoughts that come with it.

Eating disorders are hell. Mental illnesses are hell. Overcoming/recovering from your eating disorder takes a lot, it takes almost everything you've got. Each day you stand up to the negative thoughts shows so much strength and gets you closer to being healthy. I'm here to offer as much love and support as you'll let me. I'm always open to PMing. You're not alone. <3

 

[LadyMagic]

If I could go back to the girl I was in high school, there was a lot of things I would have told myself. In my case, I was so boy obsessed and self-conscious I forgot to discover who I was and what made me, me. But you have to learn to forgive yourself for your past. If we aren't forgiving of ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to be?

I promise as you continue to age, it will get better and your self esteem will slowly rise with time. Just don't look back on those years as some sort of loss. TRUST me, all the funnest times I've had were after I got out of high school. Not to mention all the boys I've met are so much better and like me exactly as I am. You are an adult now, the world is your apple. Explore and figure out who you are, you've still got 81 years to do so.

Thank you so much for making me feel more hopeful. I guess I just feel like college is supposed to be a time when I'm going out and having fun and meeting people, and it's just so hard for me to do that right now. I just need to realize that there is no time limit, and there's nothing that I'm "supposed" to be doing. Thanks again

I've struggled with disordered eating since since I was 12. When I was 16 my family found out and I started therapy and partial groups. 4 years later and I'm still in therapy, and I'm still dealing with disordered eating and the thoughts that come with it.

Eating disorders are hell. Mental illnesses are hell. Overcoming/recovering from your eating disorder takes a lot, it takes almost everything you've got. Each day you stand up to the negative thoughts shows so much strength and gets you closer to being healthy. I'm here to offer as much love and support as you'll let me. I'm always open to PMing. You're not alone. <3

My heart goes out to you, because it really is one of the most overwhelming things to deal with. At least with a drug addiction of some sort, you don't have to be faced with the thing all the time, whereas everyone has to eat at some point in order to live, you know? Thank you so much for reaching out to me; it makes me feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone in this. I offer you all the support you need as well, so please message me as much as you want, whenever you need to. <3

 

[perksofamy]

I'm with you as well. And you are so strong for even opening up and posting this!!

for my grade 12 year of high school I got obsessed with my weight because of my competitive dance group and graduation and stress. I took diet pill, was restritcing and was dancing 6 days a week along with school sports. I couldnt even enjoy my grad night properly because I was scared of the food on my plate. my mom got somewhat suspicious but to this day im not sure if she knows. and im terrified to let her know because she has her own issues and I dont want to put mine on her.
Now that i've graduated and stop dancing I thought these thoughts would stop but they havent and now I've gained so much weight that my clothes are fitting tight and I can't get over the feeling of it because I know im getting healthier but I can't shake the feeling that I let myself down. And I can't bring myself to buy bigger jeans to make myself feel better because I feel like if I do I'm letting myself down. Plus, being known as the "skinny girl" in the family, doesnt help your self esteem either.
Fighting against your own body is one of the worst feelings on the planet and i wouldnt wish it on everyone.
As long as you keep fighting and are open about our problems, you can find your way out of this dark spot in your life. Recovery is a long and imperfect process, and you will slip up and that's okay. As long as you never give up.
I try to live by the motto "Do one thing a day that SCARES you." and for me, its a simple as texting a friend first, or trying to give small talk to a customer at work. baby steps are key.
Im always open to a PM too if you need any support because its so hard to go through it alone.
You WILL get through this, and you will bloom into the beautiful butterfly you know you are deep down inside. No matter that little voice tells you, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to feel infinite happiness <3

 

[LadyMagic]

I'm with you as well. And you are so strong for even opening up and posting this!!

for my grade 12 year of high school I got obsessed with my weight because of my competitive dance group and graduation and stress. I took diet pill, was restritcing and was dancing 6 days a week along with school sports. I couldnt even enjoy my grad night properly because I was scared of the food on my plate. my mom got somewhat suspicious but to this day im not sure if she knows. and im terrified to let her know because she has her own issues and I dont want to put mine on her.
Now that i've graduated and stop dancing I thought these thoughts would stop but they havent and now I've gained so much weight that my clothes are fitting tight and I can't get over the feeling of it because I know im getting healthier but I can't shake the feeling that I let myself down. And I can't bring myself to buy bigger jeans to make myself feel better because I feel like if I do I'm letting myself down. Plus, being known as the "skinny girl" in the family, doesnt help your self esteem either.
Fighting against your own body is one of the worst feelings on the planet and i wouldnt wish it on everyone.
As long as you keep fighting and are open about our problems, you can find your way out of this dark spot in your life. Recovery is a long and imperfect process, and you will slip up and that's okay. As long as you never give up.
I try to live by the motto "Do one thing a day that SCARES you." and for me, its a simple as texting a friend first, or trying to give small talk to a customer at work. baby steps are key.
Im always open to a PM too if you need any support because its so hard to go through it alone.
You WILL get through this, and you will bloom into the beautiful butterfly you know you are deep down inside. No matter that little voice tells you, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to feel infinite happiness <3

I'm so sorry you're experiencing very similar feelings... they're definitely not easy to deal with. I appreciate you reaching out to me sooo much, and you've made me feel so much less alone. <3 Thank you for your advice, and please also PM me any time you need to, for anything!