Something you want to say to someone, but can't...
- Thread starter Mama Umbridge
- Start date
My sister at 12 should not have a better love life than me. >_>
guys go after either my younger or older sister and I just chill here pretending it doesn't hurt but it does.. a lot.
it's not like I'm thirsty or really need a guy but it would be nice to be wanted or admired for once. Kinda tired of being in the background.
there's nobody I can tell this to because everyone says "oh you're so pretty blah blah blah"
well just try to see it from my point of view for once.
It. Sucks.
guys go after either my younger or older sister and I just chill here pretending it doesn't hurt but it does.. a lot.
it's not like I'm thirsty or really need a guy but it would be nice to be wanted or admired for once. Kinda tired of being in the background.
there's nobody I can tell this to because everyone says "oh you're so pretty blah blah blah"
well just try to see it from my point of view for once.
It. Sucks.
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I think I am making all of the wrong decisions with my life.
I mean I know I shouldn't let you be making the decisions for me, So I am trying to think for myself- trying to decide for myself- but I don't know if the choices I've made in my head are my own anymore.
I mean, for gods-sake, I don't even know if I like engineering, or chemistry, or math, or any of those subjects. I don't know if I am taking these classes and deciding from these majors because I want to, or if its because I know I am a disappointment to you and want to do something to make myself less of one. I know that I don't have a job right now. I know that you want me to go for some sorta science because there are jobs out there for those fields. I KNOW you want me to go to medical school already! But I don't think I can. I don't think I want to live my life regretting these decisions. I feel like I am already living with regret from what I am going to school for now.
I love music though. I love it so much. But I know that you have my thoughts twisted into thinking that its not a good thing. To the point where I have nearly given up on music so many times already. To the point where it became more of a burden than something to love. But I regained my own thoughts an opinions. And I LOVE music. But I know that if I go down that path, there's no certainty that comes with it. I don't even know if I am good at music. The last time you have ever commented on my playing before was when I was on stage last year and you said I was brave for going up there when normally I am so shy. The time before that? Well. That was back in middle school when you basically told me that I wasn't very good at all, that I kept playing the same things over and over and should have done something else. (I'll have you know that I perfected those songs and moved onto things like Chopin and Yiruma fairly quickly after that. All without lessons since i knew you didn't want to pay for them. Always practicing when you were never home.)
I'm sorry that I am a coward. I'm sorry that I am a disappointment. I'm sorry I will never do the careers that YOU want me to do. I'm sorry that I am depressed. I am sorry that whenever I think of the future, I get this horrible pain in my chest due to years of anxiety from you telling Andrew and me about how we should always be thinking of our futures so we don't end up in a shoddy job like you. I am sorry that I am not the daughter you probably wanted. I am sorry that I am to scared to talk to you guys about my likes, my dislikes, my wants, my art, my music, and things that I like to do; if only for the fear that you will disapprove of them. I am sorry that whenever conversations involve who I like or sexuality, I lie. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.
I mean I know I shouldn't let you be making the decisions for me, So I am trying to think for myself- trying to decide for myself- but I don't know if the choices I've made in my head are my own anymore.
I mean, for gods-sake, I don't even know if I like engineering, or chemistry, or math, or any of those subjects. I don't know if I am taking these classes and deciding from these majors because I want to, or if its because I know I am a disappointment to you and want to do something to make myself less of one. I know that I don't have a job right now. I know that you want me to go for some sorta science because there are jobs out there for those fields. I KNOW you want me to go to medical school already! But I don't think I can. I don't think I want to live my life regretting these decisions. I feel like I am already living with regret from what I am going to school for now.
I love music though. I love it so much. But I know that you have my thoughts twisted into thinking that its not a good thing. To the point where I have nearly given up on music so many times already. To the point where it became more of a burden than something to love. But I regained my own thoughts an opinions. And I LOVE music. But I know that if I go down that path, there's no certainty that comes with it. I don't even know if I am good at music. The last time you have ever commented on my playing before was when I was on stage last year and you said I was brave for going up there when normally I am so shy. The time before that? Well. That was back in middle school when you basically told me that I wasn't very good at all, that I kept playing the same things over and over and should have done something else. (I'll have you know that I perfected those songs and moved onto things like Chopin and Yiruma fairly quickly after that. All without lessons since i knew you didn't want to pay for them. Always practicing when you were never home.)
I'm sorry that I am a coward. I'm sorry that I am a disappointment. I'm sorry I will never do the careers that YOU want me to do. I'm sorry that I am depressed. I am sorry that whenever I think of the future, I get this horrible pain in my chest due to years of anxiety from you telling Andrew and me about how we should always be thinking of our futures so we don't end up in a shoddy job like you. I am sorry that I am not the daughter you probably wanted. I am sorry that I am to scared to talk to you guys about my likes, my dislikes, my wants, my art, my music, and things that I like to do; if only for the fear that you will disapprove of them. I am sorry that whenever conversations involve who I like or sexuality, I lie. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.
((Sorry it's long))
Okay, so you just kinda stopped talking to me out of the blue. This is after we talked everyday for a while. Then the other day, you said you missed me, but when I responded back, you never answered it. I just want to talk, but apparently you have other things that interfere with me. I just want things back to the way they were 
.
.